R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
