She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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