I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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