Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
