It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
