I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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