All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
