I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I deserve this hangover.
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