So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I cut my penus on the lid.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
