if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
