I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
