By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
