I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
