why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
