So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
