I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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