i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
