in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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