i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If I die, sorry about rent.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
