i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
