how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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