Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
