Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
