life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
