just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
