So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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