final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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