Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
