I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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