He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have tasted many bathrooms
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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