Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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