Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
