I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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