It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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