The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
