I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
