i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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