Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
