I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
