just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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