my mouth tastes like poor choices
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
