i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
