Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize