there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
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