So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
