I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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