Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
