sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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