walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize