I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
